11 July 2012

For those of you coming to Israel, or friends of yours who are, and wish to have a great tour guide, please consider funjoelsisrael.com

.Joels Info0001

This is the Portuguese-Sephardic Synagogue in Amsterdam , Holland.

Only lit by candles, it was built several hundred years ago and never “electrified”. The arc, seats, bimah, etc. are all hand made by ship builders.

During WW II the Nazis somehow missed it and never entered, so it is completely intact and original. It is a real beauty.

Enjoy, Click on the link below:

 

How Long Do You Worry About Your Children?

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable
For their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug,
‘It’s Their life,’ and feel nothing?
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When I was in my twenties,
I stood in a hospital corridor
Waiting for doctors to put a few stitches
In my son’s head and I asked,
‘When do you stop worrying?’
The nurse said,
‘When they get out of the accident stage..’
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.
image
When I was in my thirties,
I sat on a little chair in a classroom
And heard how one of my children
Talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career
Making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
‘Don’t worry, they all go through this stage
And then you can sit back,
Relax and enjoy them.’
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.
image
When I was in my forties,
I spent a lifetime waiting
For the phone to ring,
The cars to come home,
The front door to open.
A friend said,
‘They’re trying to find themselves.
‘Don’t worry!
In a few years, they’ll be adults.
‘They’ll be off on their own
They’ll be out of your hair’
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.
image
By the time I was 50,
I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children,
But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own
I continued to anguish over their failures,
Be tormented by their frustrations and
Absorbed in their disappointments..
And there was nothing I could do about it.
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.
image
My friends said that
When my kids got married
I could stop worrying
And lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
But I was haunted by my parent’s warm smiles
And their occasional,
‘You look pale. Are you all right’ ?
‘Call me the minute you get home’.
Are you depressed about something?’
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My friends said that
When I became a grandparent
That I would get to enjoy
The happy little voices yelling
Savta! Saba!
But now I find that I worry
Just as much about the little kids
As the big ones.
How can anyone cope
With all this Worry?
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Can it be that parents are sentenced
To a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch
To blaze the trail of human frailties
And the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it
A virtue that elevates us
To the highest form of earthly creation?
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Recently, one of my own children
Became quite irritable, saying to me,
‘Where were you?
I’ve been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered
I was worried.’
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
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PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
(And also to your children… That’s the fun part)
YES, THERE ARE RABBIS IN MONTANA – AND A DOG WHO SPEAKS HEBREW!!!
HELENA, Mont. — In Montana, a rabbi is an unusual sight. So when a Hasidic one walked into the State Capitol last December, with his long beard, black hat and long black coat, a police officer grabbed his bomb-sniffing German shepherd and went to ask the exotic visitor a few questions.

Though there are few Jews in Montana today, there once were many. In the late 19th century, there were thriving Jewish populations in the mining towns, where Jews emigrated to work as butchers, clothiers, jewelers, tailors and the like.

The city of Butte (Maybe they should call it Tuchlas?) had kosher markets, a Jewish mayor, a B’nai B’rith lodge and three synagogues. Helena, the capital city, had Temple Emanu-El, built in 1891 with a seating capacity of 500. The elegant original facade still stands, but the building was sold and converted to offices in the 1930s, when the congregation had dwindled to almost nothing, the Jewish population having mostly assimilated or moved on to bigger cities.

There is a Jewish cemetery in Helena, too, with tombstones dating to 1866. But more Jews are buried in Helena than currently live here.

And yet, in a minor revival, Montana now has three rabbis , two in Bozeman and one (appropriately) in Whitefish. They were all at the Capitol on the first night of Hannukah last year to light a menorah in the ornate Capitol rotunda, amid 100-year-old murals depicting Sacajawea meeting Lewis and Clark, the Indians beating Custer, and the railway being built.

The security officer and the dog followed the rabbi into the rotunda, to size him up. Hanukkah has a special significance in Montana these days. In Billings in 1993, vandals broke windows in homes that were displaying menorahs. In a response organized by local church leaders, more than 10,000 of the city’s residents and shopkeepers put make-shift menorahs in their own windows, to protect the city’s three dozen or so Jewish families. The vandalism stopped.

Lately, the only commotion about Hanukkah has been the annual haggling among the rabbis over who gets to light the menorah at the Capitol. (It has since been resolved — at this year’s lighting, on Dec. 16, they will each light a candle; in the future they will take turns going first.) Last year, the rabbinic debate resumed as the hour of lighting neared and 20 or so Jewish Montanans filed into the Capitol.

One woman could be heard reporting, excitedly, that a supermarket in Great Falls would be carrying matzo next Passover; a guy from Missoula was telling everyone that he had just gotten a shipment of pastrami from Katz’s Deli in New York.

The menorah was lighted and Hebrew prayers chanted, while the officer watched from a distance with his dog. He figured he would let it all go down and then move in when the ceremony was done. The dog sat at attention, watching the ceremony with a peculiar expression on its face, a look of intense interest. When the ceremony was over, the officer approached the Hasidic rabbi.

“I’m Officer John Fosket of the Helena Police,” he said. “This is Miky, our security dog. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” Miky, pronounced Mikey, is in a Diaspora of his own. He was born in an animal shelter in Holland and shipped as a puppy to Israel, where he was trained by the Israeli Defense Forces to sniff out explosives.

Then one day, Miky got a plane ticket to America. Rather than spend the standard $20,000 on a bomb dog, the Helena Police Department had shopped around & discovered that it could import a surplus bomb dog from the Israeli forces for the price of the flight. So Miky came to his new home in Helena, to join the police force.

The problem, the officer explained, was that Miky had been trained entirely in Hebrew.

When Officer Fosket got Miky, he was handed a list of a dozen Hebrew commands and expressions, like “Hi’ sha’ er” (stay!), Ch’pess (search!), and “Kelev tov” (good doggy). He made flashcards and tried practicing with Miky. But poor Miky didn’t respond.

Officer Fosket (who is not Jewish) suspected he wasn’t pronouncing the words properly. He tried a Hebrew instructional audio-book from the local library, but no luck. The dog didn’t always understand what he was being ordered to do. Or maybe Miky was just using his owner’s bad pronunciation as an excuse to ignore him. Either way, the policeman needed a rabbi.

And now he had found one. They worked through a few pronunciations, and the rabbi, Chaim Bruk, is now on call to work with Miky and his owner as needed. Officer Fosket has since learned to pronounce the tricky Israeli “ch” sound, and Miky has become a new star on the police force. The two were even brought in by the Secret Service to work a recent presidential visit.

So all is well in the Jewish community here because the Hasidic rabbi is helping the Montana cop speak Hebrew to his dog. It is good news all around. The officer keeps the Capitol safe, and the Hebrew pooch is feeling more at home hearing his native tongue.

But the big winner is the rabbi, a recent arrival from Brooklyn who is working hard (against tough odds) to bring his Lubavitch movement to Montana. He has been scouring the state for anyone who can speak Hebrew, and is elated to have found a German shepherd he can talk to.
*************************************************************************
Eric A. Stern lives in Helena, Mont., and is senior counselor to Gov. Brian Schweitzer.

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY


This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .


A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost

‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the

cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,

without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling,

and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW THE REST OF THE STORY…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ……..NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE’RE NUTS!

Alerts to Threats in 2012 Europe

by John Cleese
http://educate-yourself.org/cn/alertstothreats28mar12.shtml
March 28, 2012

Alerts to Threats in 2012 Europe by John Cleese (March 28, 2012) 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from”Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are”Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to”Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. 

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to”She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think
we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

——

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

THESE ARE JUST SO BAD…

A] I had my teeth pulled by a Dr McTavish ~ I think I’ve become Scottish by extraction.
B] Is a man outstanding in his field a successful farmer?
C] I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

D] Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

E] How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

F] I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
G] This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

H] I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I ] I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

J ] They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

K] PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
L] Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations
.
M] I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

N] When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

O] Broken pencils are pointless.
P] I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Q] What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

R] England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

S] I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

T] I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

U] I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

V] Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
W] Velcro — what a rip off!

X] A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Y] Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Z] Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. ‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin??’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “Best come-back line ever.”

 
” FATHER OF THE YEAR ”
A man boarded a plane with six kids..

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
Over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours ? “

He replied, ” No Ma’am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. “
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!
 
 

Finally a completely clean joke! Bet you forgot such a thing existed!

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to church with him.

So he asked the centipede

in the box,
“Would you like to go

to church with me today?

We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

“How about going

to church with me

and receive blessings?”

But again,
there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time he
put his face up against

the centipede ‘ s house and shouted,

“Hey, in there!
Would you like to go

to
church with me

and learn about God?”
…..

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ……

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,


“I heard you the first time!

I ‘m putting my shoes on!”

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there.. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.


PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.


My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another…. I hope everyone is happy in your head – we’re all doing pretty good in mine!

Remembering your age…..I have set this in large print

 
 

Double takes 

 

 

 

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