Ides of (15) March 2012

I saw and heard Prof Kedar speak last night, you MUST watch this

Dedicated Drunk

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” exclaimed the patrolman.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy!!!”

* * * * * * * * * *

From the Cock Pit

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and….. OH, MY GOD !’

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA;
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

One old Jewish passenger yelled, ‘oiy vey’ you should see the back of mine! ‘

* * * * * * * * * *

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over………….women like that are hard to find.”

* * * * * * * * * *

* * Slightly Blue Joke * *

A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.”

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know “what she means.”

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, “So, what does the Jewish bra do?”

“The Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

* * * * * * * * * *

A Joke with a Moral

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Hamburger Stand where he ordered her a Kiddie Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

* * * * * * * * * *

With the Girl on the Plane

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?

As the celebration of the Exodus Approaches (i.e. Passover) I think you’ll love this!

News Coverage (1982)

Dry Bones
March 08, 1982

(1982) Dry Bones cartoon: West Bank, Palestinians, Judea, Samaria, Jews, Settlers, demonstrations, Double Standard, Media, Bias, 1982, America, Israel,
Today’s Golden Oldie is from 30 years ago this month, in March 1982.

Another old Dry Bones cartoon that could be run today without any changes.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Flowers and Evil

Dry Bones cartoon: Spring, Flowers. Missiles, Gaza,  Hamas, Terrorism,
I was watching the Israel TV reports from the south where Israeli men women and children have been living with missile attacks from Gaza.

I couldn’t help but notice in the news footage the beautiful wild flowers that were blooming. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.

When I sat down to do today’s cartoon, this is what came out. It’s either funny or bitter, or possibly both.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

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