12 March 2012

A really great satire, sorry it is a little late

Bambam and Bibi0001

From front page of the Jerusalem Post, caption should have read: “This guy walks into a bar and sees a girl …”

Purim in Mea Sharim

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ELECTIVE SURGERY…
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up.
“So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” Yes I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you make a decision?” Yes she has.” says the man. What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”

 
Life lesson—:Take Time


Thank you all for your time!!!!!!!
,
A young man learns what’s most important in life from the guy next door.

Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

“Jack, did you hear me?”

“Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,” Jack said…

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence’ as he put it,” Mom told him.

“I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.

“You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said.

“He’s the one who taught me carpentry,” he said. “I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser’s funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture. Jack stopped suddenly…

“What’s wrong, Jack?” his Mom asked.

“The box is gone,” he said

“What box?” Mom asked.

“There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most,'” Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

“Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.”

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. “Mr. HaroldBelser” it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside.

“Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

“Jack, Thanks for your time! -HaroldBelser.”

“The thing he valued most was… my time”

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. “Why?” Janet, his assistant asked.

“I need some time to spend with my son,” he said.

“Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!”


 

1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way..

2 A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.

3 Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

4.. You mean the world to someone.

5. If not for you, someone may not be living.

6. You are special and unique.

7. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you trust G-d to do what’s best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

9. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

10. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.

11.. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

12 . Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you’ll both be happy .

To everyone who reads this “Thanks for your time.”

 
 

A Conversation With Hashem…
Me (in a tizzy) : Hashem, can I ask you something?
HASHEM: Sure.
Me: Promise you won’t get mad?
HASHEM: I promise.
Me (frustrated): Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?
HASHEM: What do you mean?
Me: Well I woke up late,
HASHEM: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start,
HASHEM: Okay….
Me (growling): At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait
HASHEM: Hmmmm..
Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call
HASHEM: All right
Me (loudly): And to top it all off, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn’t work. Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?
HASHEM: Well let me see….. the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
Me (humbled): Oh…
HASHEM: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that might have hit you if you were on the road
Me (ashamed): …………
HASHEM: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work
Me (embarrassed): Oh…..
HASHEM: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered
Me (softly): I see Hashem
HASHEM: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I’m sorry Hashem.
HASHEM: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust me………in all things, the good and the bad
Me: I WILL trust you Hashem
HASHEM: And don’t doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan
Me: I won’t Hashem. And let me just tell you Hashem, thank you for everything today.
HASHEM: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your Hashem and I love looking after my children.

HELLO, OPERATOR

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF “THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!
Actual call center conversations!

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through;
can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

———————————————————————-


Samsung Electronic
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

———————————————————————-


RAC Motoring Services

Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?’
Operator: ‘Does the policy name give you a clue?’

———————————————————————-

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

———————————————————————-


Directory Enquiries

Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

———————————————————————-

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes.. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ……’

———————————————————————-

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK..’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

———————————————————————-

Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

———————————————————————-

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department…………..
Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect ….’
Operator: ‘What sort of trouble?’
Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator: ‘Went away?’
Caller: ‘They disappeared’
Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller: ‘Nothing.’
Operator: ‘Nothing??’
Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’
Caller: ‘How do I tell?’
Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’
Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type..’
Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?’
Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’
Caller: ‘I don’t know.’
Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’
Opera tor: ‘Great.. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall..
Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘
Caller: ‘No.’
Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.’
Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into
the back of your computer..’
Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’
Caller: ‘No…’
Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’
Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator: ‘Dark?’
Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.’
Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller: ‘I can’t..’
Operator: ‘No? Why not?’
Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure..’
Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?’
Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..’
Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.’
Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’
Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’

Let me remind you these people vote too!

Another Famous American becomes a Muslim
It is becoming a very scary world out there . . . . ..
Another Famous American converts to Islam
It was announced today that Buckwheat,
Of Our Gang fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat.
I just hope he doesn’t become a cereal killer!
(I don’t care who you are…that’s funny!)
image
 
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year. And every year Ed would say, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Norma always replied, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, “Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”! To this, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out.
But you know fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

 

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling, and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW THE REST OF THE STORY…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ……..NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE’RE NUTS!

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill reportedly loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

 

Politically incorrect British humour . . .

============================
> Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque….
> They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
> ==============================
> During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
> A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there.”
> ==============================
> Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
> ==============================
> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
> How could anyone stoop so low.
> =====================================================
> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?
> ==============================
>
> A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
> He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
> Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
>
> “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.
>
> “No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
>
> Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
>
> He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?””No, I am Moses.
> Mohammed is higher still.”
>
> Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”
>
> “No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammed higher up.”
>
> Mohammed higher than Jesus!
>
> The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
> Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
>
> “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
>
> “No my son… I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”
> “Yes, please, my Lord.”
> God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
> “Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!”

 

Obama’s Troubling Turn

Dear Friend of Israel,

A day after he reassured American Israel supporters at AIPAC with the words “I’ve got Israel’s back,” President Obama appeared to challenge Israel by publicly stating that any action Israel may take against Iran may have negative consequences for the United States.

Ed note: I prefer for him to have my front, my back he would stab, my front I can seeSmile with tongue out

President Obama also reiterated his belief that now is a time when diplomacy can stop Iran’s nuclear program.

The President’s words are chilling. For three years, his Iran policy has been centered on negotiating with the butchers of Tehran. Then, under extreme Congressional pressure, Obama reluctantly supported imposing sanctions on Iran. At the same time, Obama and senior members of his administration have publicly warned Israel against taking any military action.

Obama's Troubling TurnSome commentators have noted that the Obama Administration has directed more energy on warning Israel than it has on pressuring Iran or the nations (China, Russia, and India) that are undermining the sanctions being imposed. The tension and disagreements between Israel and the Obama Administration are very troubling.

Every friend of Israel and the Israel/United States relationship needs to take notice and take action. We at One Jerusalem are increasing our efforts to stay on top of Iran and Jerusalem issues.

We will continue to defend Israel and Jerusalem by disseminating information that counters the lies of the main stream media. We will continue to expose the anti-Israel prejudices of the New York Times and MSNBC.

We will continue to support Israel in the media and by mobilizing grass roots support. One Jerusalem has become an important resource for elected officials and policy makers. To continue to increase our influence, we need your support. All contributions will go toward defending Israel, Jerusalem, and the United States of America.

Sincerely,
Allen Roth & David Goder
www.OneJerusalem.org

 

A risk Israel is prepared to take

image

Thought you should know:

the book, “Understanding Womenis now available in paperback…..

ATT3774740

The Fanat in the Hat and Other Stories

Eli D. Clark

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

THE FANAT IN THE HAT

I sat there with Sally.
We sat on the bus.
We sat there together.
No one made a fuss.

Then who came aboard?
The Fanat in the Hat!
And he said to us,
“How can you sit like that?

“You know it is wrong
To sit next to each other.”
I said, “She’s my sister,
And I am her brother.”

He pointed at Sally,
“Go back there to sit.
If you stay in front,
I think I will spit.

“I do not want to see you
Go out or come in.
Your elbows are showing
And making men sin.”

“I paid for my seat
Just like you,” Sally cried.
“I can sit where I want!
It’s for me to decide!”

“Where do you think you are?
This is not Tel Aviv.”
The Fanat in the Hat said,
“Sit in back or you leave.”

“Now do as I say,
You loose woman, you.”
Then out from behind
Came Thug One and Thug Two.

They had beards, they had hats,
And they wore black and white.
Their fingers were curled
Into fists that were tight.

They were big, they were mean,
And they blocked our way.
They did not look like men
Who learn Torah all day.

They screamed at poor Sally.
“Prutzoh!” they shouted.
“We will take care of you.”
And we did not doubt it.

We looked up to heaven.
We looked left and right.
Should we try to run
Or stand up and fight?

We needed a plan,
A way to escape,
Before those two Thugs
Squashed us both like a grape.

Then Thug One and Thug Two
Shouted, “Oy! Help us please!”
The Fanat in the Hat
Just fell to his knees.

What made them shake
And what made them yelp?
What made those bullies
Cry out for help?

We looked and we saw
A giant black cat,
Walking erect
In a red and white hat.

The Cat in the Hat
Looked the Thugs in the eye.
“These things need to stop.
And I’ll tell you why.

“Scaring young women
Is not a good game.
Worse, it is causing
A Hillul Ha-Shem.

“Here is a new game
To play,” said the cat.
“The game is called boxing.
Are you good at that?”

The Thugs said, “We box.
When we finish with you,
You will lie on your back
For a week or for two.”

The cat pulled a box out
And opened the top.
We heard a big voom
That made everything stop.

The Fanat in the Hat
And the Thugs in their beards
Were sucked into the box.
They all disappeared.

The cat closed the lid
And sealed it with glue.
“Goodbye,” said the cat,
“And good riddance to you.”

The cat said to us,
“You can sit as before.
Those three nuts will not
Bother you any more.”

“Oh, they will,” Sally said,
“For good or for bad.
Those men in your box
Are my brothers and Dad.”

A good way to start or end the day ….

Depending upon when you read this. Enjoy!

Puns for Educated Minds

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.

I thought I saw an eyedoctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.

She was only a whiskymaker, but he loved her still.

4.

A rubberband pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.

A hole has been found in the nudistcamp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

18.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

21.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Jews

 

Gaza Missiles

Dry Bones cartoon: Israel, Gaza, Missiles, Hamas, Palestinians, Islamists, Terrorism,
Today’s cartoon is a “Middle East Quiz Show”. Yes, Gazans are launching missiles at Israeli towns, cities, and villages. Because they can.

* * *

Meanwhile, just in from in another part of the Middle East, according to Reuters:

Iraqi Shi’ite militia stone youths to death for Western-style “emo” punk clothes

“At least 14 youths have been stoned to death in Baghdad in the past three weeks in what appears to be a campaign by Shi’ite militants against youths wearing Western-style “emo” clothes and haircuts, security and hospital sources say.

Militants in Shi’ite neighborhoods where the stonings have taken place circulated lists on Saturday naming more youths targeted to be killed if they do not change the way they dress.”-more

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Israel and the Attack on Iran’s Nukes

Dry Bones cartoon: Israel, Iran, Nukes, attack, bombing, media
I’ve done 6-panel Dry Bones cartoons and I’ve done 4-panel Dry Bones cartoons. Today’s offering has 6 panels organized into a 4-panel cartoon.

Thee annoying kid in the back seat is, of course, the media.
Did it work for you?
Did it get a laugh out of you?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Rain (2000)

Dry Bones

(2000) Dry Bones cartoon: Israel, Rain,  Drought, Winter, Bible, Noah, 2000, pessimism,
Today’s Golden Oldie is from 2000.

I posted this cartoon today because now, after years of drought, Israel is being deluged with rain. In our part of the world, winter rains are a blessing. Our resevoirs are refilling, the earth is soaking up the life-sustaining waters, and the flowers that bloom in the Spring are already bursting into bloom.

Lovely.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Obama and the Israelis

Dry Bones cartoon: Obama, Israel, Syria, Iran, Regime Change, Presidency, elections, Middle East, unrest, Arab Spring
According to the Christian Science Monitor:

Shimon Peres: a dovish voice in Obama’s ear

Israeli President Shimon Peres meets with President Obama today. Mr. Peres opposes an Israeli preemptive strike on Iran, adding a dovish voice to deliberations between the US and Israel.
“On the eve of a summit between President Barak Obama and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to close gaps on confronting Iran, Mr. Obama meets today with an Israeli elder statesman who has staked out a more dovish position than the government.
-more

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Knock Knock (1992)

Dry Bones

(1992) Dry Bones cartoon: Israel, America, allies, Cold War, Rabbis, American Jews, Jews, pessimism,
Today’s Golden Oldie is from 1992.
Twenty years ago this month!

A rare single-panel Dry Bones cartoon. It was a pessimistic view of the future. Unfortunately, it turned out that I was right.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Scams

Dry Bones cartoon: Scam, Nigerian, email, ,
The bogus Nigerian scam emails seem so obviously phoney to us …now. But outrageous scams often seem silly only in retrospect. Did you ever hear the story of George Parker? No?

According to Wikipedia:

“George Parker (1870–1936) was one of the most audacious con men in American history. He made his living selling New York’s public landmarks to unwary tourists. His favorite object for sale was the Brooklyn Bridge, which he sold twice a week for years. He convinced his marks that they could make a fortune by controlling access to the roadway. More than once police had to roust naive buyers from the bridge as they tried to erect toll barriers.”

Other public landmarks he sold included the original Madison Square Garden[citation needed], the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Grant’s Tomb and the Statue of Liberty. George had many different methods for making his sales. When he sold Grant’s Tomb, he would often pose as the general’s grandson. He even set up a fake “office” to handle his real estate swindles. He produced impressive forged documents to prove that he was the legal owner of whatever property he was selling. He also successfully sold several successful shows and plays, of which he had no legal ownership.

Parker was convicted of fraud three times. After his third conviction on December 17, 1928 he was sentenced to a life term at Sing Sing Prison by a Judge McLaughlin in the Kings County Court. He spent the last eight years of his life there behind bars. He was popular among guards and fellow inmates alike who enjoyed hearing of his exploits. George is remembered as one of the most successful con men in the history of the United States, as well as one of history’s most talented hoaxers. His exploits have passed into popular culture, giving rise to phrases such as “and if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you”, a popular way of expressing a belief that someone is gullible.” -more

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Fill ér Up (1982)

Dry Bones

(1982) Dry Bones cartoon: Economy, gasoline, fuel, Automobiles, Shuldig, Optimism,
Today’s Golden Oldie is from 1982.

Thirty years ago this month!

Another “I could run it today as is” cartoons! It shows Mr. Shuldig in a wildly “look at the bright side” optimist mood.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Fill ‘er Up!

Dry Bones cartoon: printers, Technology, gasoline, fuel, ink, Economy,
All this bellyaching about the high price of gasoline at American Gas stations?? Folks are freaking as prices pass $5 per gallon?!!

What I am upset about is the price of computer printer ink !
Recent conservative calculations show that computer ink is being sold to us at a price of between $5,000 and $6,000 per gallon. At those prices they should be giving us their ink-guzzling printers for free!

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Facing Iran

Dry Bones cartoon: Iran, Europe, Appeasement, WMD, Nukes, boycott, ban, the West, Israel,
“World Leaders?:

Fears grow of Israeli attack on Iran
JERUSALEM – “For the first time in nearly two decades of escalating tensions over Iran’s nuclear programme, world leaders are genuinely concerned that an Israeli military attack on the Islamic Republic could be imminent – an action many fear might trigger a wider war, terrorism and global economic havoc.

“High-level foreign dignitaries, including the United Nations chief and the head of the American military, have visited Israel in recent weeks to urge its leaders to give the diplomatic process more time to work. Israel seems unmoved, and United States Defense Secretary Leon Panetta has reportedly concluded that an Israeli attack on Iran is likely in the coming months.” -more

Just in from Reuters:

Russia: Israeli attack on Iran would be catastrophe
After UN nuclear watchdog declares collapse in talks with Tehran, Russian FM says military action would have dangerous consequences; Khamenei: “Pressures, sanctions and assassinations will bear no fruit.

“Russia warned Israel not to attack Iran over its nuclear program, saying on Wednesday that military action would have catastrophic consequences.” -more

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

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