31 January 2012

It HAS been a while since my last offering, sorry about that, and thank you to all who inquired about my health, B”H, we are all healthy, just had a lot to do and also lot’s of visitors.

So, some good news, in case you have not heard, my son Joel, has passed his final exam and is now a licensed tour guide. You can get his information  here.

I am going to make a cynical prediction: around 15 October, Obama will pardon Jonathan Pollard if he is losing the election big time.

Now, to start doing some catch up (wow, it’s been longer than I thoughtSad smile).

Happy 2012

Dry Bones cartoon: 2012, 5773, Father Time, New Year, Holiday, Rosh HaShana, Jewish Culture, Jews, Calendar
A Happy 2012 to all of us!

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Same Old News (1982)

January 6, 1982

(1982) Dry Bones cartoon: News, France, Rain, U.N., 1982, Shuldig,
It’s always amusing when I find Golden Oldies that could be published today without change. I get a smile out of seeing that, somehow, the news never changes.

Today’s Golden Oldie is from 1982. Thirty years ago! And the cartoon is saying that, somehow, the news never changes.! Thirty years ago!

By the way, heavy rains are continuing as I write these words, Bus fares and fuel prices went up this week, Europe is mad at us, and the Palestinians are about to launch an effort to have the U.N. meet to condemn us.

I haven’t yet seen the “crop damage due to rains” story in the local papers yet. But I will.

Yikes!

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

His Passing

Dry Bones cartoon: Kim Jong Il Korea, North Korea, Shuldig,
I was working on this cartoon when I got a call informing me about the passing of a close friend of mine. His name was Newt Becker. You probably don’t know his name, but you should. Newt was an innovative educator, a philanthropist, an inventor, a strategist, and my friend.

Many of the most important pro-Israel organizations had been set up or supported by Newt. Unlike others, he didn’t want his name immortalized, and avoided having his picture taken with “important people”. Newt invested in medical advances, backed cutting edge alternate energies, and helped people who needed his help. I’m proud to say that for the past 5-6 years Newt anonymously supported the Dry Bones operation.

I’m even prouder to say that he was my friend.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Owning Iran

Dry Bones cartoon: Iran,  Iraq, Afghanistan, Obama, Bush, War, Presidency, Elections, November
Developments in the Iran “situation” seem to be moving quickly.

“How does an American President campaigning for reelection handle the snowballing Iranian threat?” is a question that all of the players are assessing, and that includes the Iranians, the Saudis, the Israelis, and the campaigning President himself.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Appeasement (2002)

January 14, 2002

(2002) Dry Bones cartoon: Europe,  Appeasement, PLO, Terrorism, Palestinians, the West
Today’s Golden Oldie cartoon is ten years old. I’ve been trying to decide how old ä cartoon has to be to be an “oldie”. I think that I’ve decided on ten years.

So here’s what I did 10 years ago this month …in January of 2002.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Winds of Change

Dry Bones cartoon: Presidency, presidential campaign, Left, Right, Elections,  Economy, economic crisis,  Elections, November
I decided to introduce a new character.
He’s called the Whetherman (because his predictions are based on “whether” one event or another happens).

He could be a useful cartoon device because we live in a time of wild changes and so much of the future does depend on whether one or another of possible next steps takes place.

I don’t know if I’ll use him again, but it was fun to try him out.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Lech Walesa (1982)

January 19, 1982

(1982) Dry Bones cartoon: Walesa, Poland, Solidarity, 1982,  Prison, Democracy
Today’s Golden Oldie cartoon is from January 1982. Lech Walesa, a leader of the “solidarity” movement was being held in prison by the Polish Communist government.

Here we are, exactly 20 years later, Lech Walesa is the former president of a free and Democratic Poland!

…and, according to a report published just yesterday:

Walesa is ‘angry with democracy’
10.01.2012 1
“Solidarity legend Lech Walesa has declared that he is “angry with democracy” and that Poles are not sufficiently “engaged” in politics. The former president made the remarks in an extensive interview with Polish commercial radio station Radio Zet.”-more

Your thoughts?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Choosing Sides

Dry Bones cartoon: Syria, Iran, Venezuela,Nicaragua, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, France, America, NATO, Russia, China, India, War, Ball Game
So when they choose sides, why is it that the one they never pick is Israel?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

P.O. (1973)

July 11, 1973

(1973) Dry Bones cartoon: 1973, Post Office,
Today’s Golden Oldie cartoon is from 1973. Thirty-nine years ago!! It was the first year of Dry Bones publication.

…And the Israeli Postal Service never really improved. It just got replaced by Fax machines, email, DHL, and Federal Express!

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Unfair

Dry Bones cartoon: Iran, Holy War, War, Israel, Assassination, Ahmadinejad, Computer Virus, Nukes, Technology
Not only don’t we fight fair, but neither does the Iranian government!

The Iranians are claiming that the CIA and British intelligence” did it, instead of our guys! According to Russia Today:

Iran ‘has evidence’ CIA masterminded nuke scientist murder

“Iran has sent two “letters of condemnation” in the wake of Wednesday’s killing of yet another Iranian nuclear scientist. Tehran is demanding a response from Washington and London for the attack, which was “guided” by the CIA and “assisted” by MI6.

We have reliable documents and evidence that this terrorist act was planned, guided and supported by the CIA,” the Iranian foreign ministry said in a rare letter handed to the Swiss ambassador in Tehran, according to state television.

The Swiss Embassy has represented the USA in Iran since ties between the two countries were severed shortly after the 1979 Islamic Revolution.

Another letter was sent to the British Embassy, claiming the British Foreign Intelligence Service, MI6, aided the CIA-led operation. The letter notes that the assassination of Iranian nuclear scientists “started exactly after the British official John Sawers declared the beginning of intelligence operations against Iran,” as quoted by the official Iranian Republic News Agency.”-more

Do you think that’s fair?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Optimism Pessimism (1992)

May 15, 1992

(1992) Dry Bones cartoon: Optimism, Pessimism, Jewish, Messiah, Shuldig, 1992,
The Israeli Cartoon Museum has decided to produce a travelling exhibit of Dry Bones cartoons. So the LSW (Long Suffering Wife) and I have been going through the more than 7,00 Dry Bones cartoons to select what should go into the show and catalog. The LSW suggested that I share some of our selections with you. So here’s one of them. It’s from 1992 and is Today’s Golden Oldie.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

(ed. note) And why is anybody surprised?

Advocacy Journalism

Dry Bones cartoon: Bibi, Journalism, Media, Shuldig, Israel, anti-Zionism, Double Standard, NY Times, Haaretz, Media, Netanyahu,
The latest, according to Globes, Israel’s Business newspaper:

Netanyahu denies calling “NY Times,” “Haaretz” Israel’s biggest enemies

“Jerusalem Post” editor Steve Linde claims the prime minister told him “Haaretz” and “The New York Times” are the country’s biggest enemies. . .

. . .The Jerusalem Post” editor Steve Linde told a conference in Tel Aviv of the Women’s International Zionist Organization (WIZO) on Wednesday, that Netanyahu made the remark to him about the newspapers at a private meeting “a couple of weeks ago” at the Prime Minister’s Office in Tel Aviv.

In a recording of Linde’s speech provided to the “JTA”, Linde said, “He said, ‘You know, Steve, we have two main enemies.’ And I thought he was going to talk about, you know, Iran, maybe Hamas. He said, ‘It’s The New York Times and Haaretz.’ He said, ‘They set the agenda for an anti-Israel campaign all over the world. Journalists read them every morning and base their news stories … on what they read in The New York Times and Haaretz’.”

Linde said he and other participants at the meeting asked Netanyahu whether he really thought that the media had that strong a role in shaping world opinion on Israel, and the prime minister replied, “Absolutely.”-more

Your thoughts?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Ho Hum

Dry Bones cartoon: Egypt,  Media,  Islamism, Islamists, Shuldig,
The 2012 falling of Egypt into the hands of the Islamists seems to be greeted with a big ho hum.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Getting Religion (1980)

Dec 9, 1980

(1992) Dry Bones cartoon: religion, Sunni, Shi'ite, Zionist, Roman Catholic, Communism, Shuldig,1980
The Israeli Cartoon Museum has decided to produce a travelling exhibit of Dry Bones cartoons. So the LSW (Long Suffering Wife) and I have been going through the more than 7,000 Dry Bones cartoons to select what should go into the show and catalog. The LSW suggested that I share some of our selections with you. So here’s one of them. It’s from 1980 and is Today’s Golden Oldie.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Proliferation

Dry Bones cartoon: Iran, Shiites, Islamist, Sunni, Arabs, Turkey, North Korea, Nukes,
To REALLY understand what’s going on right now, you’d have to look at it from a distance, but the entire planet is in on this one, so there’s no “distance”. The only other way to look at it objectively is from the perspective of history, but we haven’t lived through it yet.

Of course after we have lived through it, this period in human history will be easily explained, and it will have a name. If I had the time, I’d run a contest to guess what that name would be. If I DID run such a What-name-will-future-historians-give-to-this period?” contest, (which I’m not) what would your entry/suggestion be?

Hmmm?

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

(ed. note) about a year ago, I posted my driving rules in Israel, I DID NOT see this cartoon when I wrote them, however, I did get some new pointsSmile

Israeli Traffic Signs (1975)

October 10, 1975

(1975) Dry Bones cartoon: Israel, Driving, Drivers,
The Israeli Cartoon Museum has decided to produce a travelling exhibit of Dry Bones cartoons. So the LSW (Long Suffering Wife) and I have been going through the more than 7,000 Dry Bones cartoons to select what should go into the show and catalog. The LSW suggested that I share some of our selections with you. So here’s one of them. It’s from 1980, is one of her favorites, and is Today’s Golden Oldie.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Endangered Species

Dry Bones cartoon: Africa,  Islamism, Christians, jihad, Sharia Law, Nigerian,  Sudan
Recent developments, according to the (Irish) Independent:

Dozens killed in attacks on Nigerian Christians
“A FRESH wave of violence against churchgoers in Nigeria has left at least 27 people dead and heightened fears over security in Africa ‘s most populous country.

The religiously motivated massacres — three since last Thursday — targeted Christians in Mubi and Gombe, towns in the north-east where a state of emergency was declared by President Goodluck Jonathan last week. Some 17 other deaths have been reported in other regions .

There is growing concern that the government’s inability to tackle the rising levels of sectarian violence, blamed on radical Islamic group Boko Haram , may result in hundreds of people fleeing their homes.

The group is now carrying out weekly attacks on churches and police stations in northern and central areas.

Islamic clerics who speak out against the violence have been assassinated.”-more

And from Ecumenical News International there’s this:

Sudan churches encounter more hostility after independence

Christians and churches in Sudan are facing increased restrictions and hostility, since the secession of the southern part of the country six months ago, according to some church leaders.

The leaders are highlighting arrests and abduction of Christians and threats directed at clergy, while warning of more challenges when the country implements Sharia (Islamic law).

“Restrictions in Sudan are not new, but we are worried things are getting harder since the secession of the south. With Sharia law we expect things to get even harder,” the Rev. Mark Akec Cien, the Sudan Council of Churches, deputy general secretary of the told ENInews on Jan. 20 in a telephone interview.”-more

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

!cid_1_2186266238@web113302_mail_gq1_yahoo

This has now been adapted for use on Haredi buses, as well. The bonus is that we do not see them eitherSmile

!cid_1_2186314317@web113302_mail_gq1_yahoo

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SENIORS & COMPUTERS
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong ?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

‘An, ID ten T error ? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Eric grinned …. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head.
if you’re not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is.

 

You know by today’s standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.
HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2010
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2010 ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!
 
The next couple are in honor of my colonoscopy that took place a couple of weeks ago, not my first, but I also passed with flying colors. The Israeli procedure is much different from the US one and I will describe it briefly after Dave Barry’s piece.
My First Colonoscopy…


Dr Visit for a Colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist’s office

for my first digital exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn,
took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed
and have a seat
until the doctor could see me .


She said that he would

only be a few minutes.



I sat down after putting on the gown
that she gave me.

While waiting, I observed
that there were three items
on a small stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.


When the doctor finally came in
I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused
This is my first exam …
I know what the
K-Y
is for
And I know what the
glove
is for,
But can you tell me

what the BEER is for?


Instantly, Doctor Paul
became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door

He flung the door open
and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Damn-it Evelyn !!!

I said a
BUTT LIGHT!!




Live Well,
Love Much,
Laugh Often!

 

       

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’


And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

   

My experience in Israel. The prep is much simpler, no eating fruits, vegetables, sesame seeds or Quinoa (I am not making this up) the day prior to the procedure. No solids after 15.00 (3.00 pm). 2 laxative tablets at 18.00 and then 1/2 hour later mix the prep in 250 cc (about 1 cup) of water, drink 1/3 plus 2 or more glasses of clear liquids, for the next hour and a half. Repeat the process starting at 4.00 am the next morning. There was virtually no violence in the elimination and I will spare you the gory details.

Now, for the actual procedure. I went to a clinic in Jerusalem, not far from the President’s House (I wonder if this was symbolic). I entered what was basically a doctor’s examining room with a table in the center of the room. There was the doctor and a nurse/ anesthesiologist who administer the milk of amnesia. The doctor told me to drop my pants and undershorts to my knees, get on the table and lie on my left side. The next thing I knew was that the doctor assisted me to a gurney behind a curtain in the same room. When I finally awoke, there was a printed report on my belly.

That’s all folks!

 

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No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE

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And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow draw and says, “Better think it over………….women like that are hard to find.”

 

Funeral Expense
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: “You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here for $100”.
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: “Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $100?”.
One diplomat replied: “More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can’t take that risk”.

 

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Jewish Thinking
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Jewish Proverbs, Most Direct Quotes

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks .

Yiddish Proverb

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.

Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.

Yiddish Proverb

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”

Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.

Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Yiddish proverb

I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
Immortal through not dying.

Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton .

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein

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=

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a
strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his
head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so
strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther
away. He just couldn’t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being
more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught
it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the
rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he
gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s
head and blessed him. The young man was very excited
about both the tip and
the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth
to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first
race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and
recounted his very exciting day at the races to his
father.

“I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man.
“I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the
name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were
100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field.”

“After saving the rabbi’s hat, having received the
rabbi’s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in
the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God.
So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing
thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and
who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came
in first by 5 lengths.”

“You must have made a fortune,” said the father.

“Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,” replied
the son.

“In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was
running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson
being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi’s
blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on
this horse.”

“What happened?” asked the excited father.

“Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!”

“Are you telling me you brought home all this money?”
asked his excited father.

“No,” said the son.

“I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this
race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided
to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down
and came in last.”

“Hat in French is “Chapeau” not “Chateau” you moron,” said
the father. “You lost all of the money because of your
ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?”

The son answered, “A long shot from Japan named Yamaka.”

Subject: Speeding.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.
 
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to100 mph, then 110,
then 120.
 
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and
pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
 
 
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard, I’ll let you go.”
 
The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
 
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

 

Unfortunate, how close we are coming to this……

Dear Rabbi,

I have a sha’aila, is it ok to leave Lady Fingers and Mr. Clean in the house
alone together,or is it a problem with yichud?

Your esteemed follower.

A Few days later the Talmid received an answer:

To my esteemed follower,

I had the same sha’aila with Betty Crocker cake mix and Uncle Ben’s
converted rice. My Dayan wisely paskined that if the rice converted to
Judaism it’s better to keep them in separate closets. But if it is not
converting it’s ok as they’re on different shelves and facing away from each
other; also its better to Photoshop Betty’s face off the box.

In your case I can comfortably say that it’s ok for Mr. Clean and

Lady Fingers to be in the house together, just not in the mouth together.

Keep shteiging,

Your Rabbi

From a female friend:

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

This is something to think about when negative
people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone
who knows nothing and cares less tries to make
your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her

hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

Rome ?
Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to
Rome . So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got
a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser..
” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on
Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further.. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him. He’ll look
the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re
going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip
to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not
only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand
new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a
$5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well
and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the
Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on
the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as
to step into his private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”


He said: “Who the Heck did your hair?”

 

MADE MY DAY – COULDN’T RESIST
POLITICAL UPDATE
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said,
“Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!”
“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class
Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador
retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana
and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the
hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in
Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and
stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said,
“Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!”said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here.
We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in
some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started
chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. A few minutes
later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador,
lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders
and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up
to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his
head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers
came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in
and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running
around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with
two assholes!”
=====================================
THE JOYS OF MAINTENANCE
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college
degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix
one; that’s reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a
‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their
repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever,
had an accident…
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, ….circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.”

THIS IS A RIOT!!!!!
TURN ON THE SOUND!
The day has arrived …
(
http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1..235372.1243574086!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf)

At Ninety-Nine

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

The EL AL plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, and as it taxied to the
terminal, the voice of the captain came on:


– ” ‘ Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane has
come to a complete stop at the gate, and the seat belt signs have been turned
off.

‘ We also wish to remind you that cell phones may not be used until the exit
doors have been opened.
‘ To those who are still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope
that you enjoy your visit to Israel.
‘ To those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones,
we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home.”

Subject: Roman Catholic Secret Signs And Words

Catholic Vocabulary Lesson

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged

to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret

code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish

to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than

that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more

quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges

with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize

besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have

mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered

by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has

always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass

consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners

looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led

by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually

know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David

Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating

capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday

services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as

opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to

win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are

worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips

into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino

chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the

casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The

Chip Monk.

I never knew this Either


image

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

On the ice in Antarctica – where do they go ?

Wonder no more!!!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will

Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other

Members of the family and social circle have been

Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial

Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for

The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:








“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”


“Then they kick him in the ice hole.”

You’re going to like this one! Power Line Blog held a prize competition for US$100,000 for whoever can most effectively and creatively dramatise the significance of the United States federal debt crisis. Any creative product was eligible: videos, songs, paintings, screenplays, Power Point presentations, essays, performance art, or anything else. Several entries received a lot of attention and a lot of views or listens. But unquestionably, the one that has become the most viewed so far is “Doorbell”.

And why teachers drink!

A smile for the day


The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

How Things Have Changed!

 

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