26 October 2011

Expert Opinion

mideast experts,  : Dry Bones cartoon.

This is one of the cartoons I posted before leaving for China on a speaking tour sponsored by SIGNAL (the Sino Israel Global Network Academic Leadership). I’ll be the keynote speaker at the inaugural event of the first-ever Israel Studies Program in the history of China …and am appearing at a number of other universities and think tanks.

I plan to return home to Israel on or about November 1st.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and
asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter, can I get you anything?”

Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the train. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for – why should you pay extra.”

The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”.

“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?”

The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.

A little suspicious, the conductor asked “Would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?”

The black lady became very indignant and snapped, “Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”

Lexophile (i.e., “lovers of words” you know . . . . like . . .. you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish . . . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . . then it hit me . . .etc.). Well, here are some for you to enjoy . . .

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
If you don’t pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : . . . the LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was .. . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it’s your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

Ya gotta love it!

“Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?”

“No, governor. This is Yom Kippur.”
“Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?”

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …

“Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”

Does any of this sound familiar? I’m going to go find my glasses!

Bus Art








Unbelievable Signs





– Top 20 Oxymorons
20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Small Crowd
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head But
t8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Hard Water
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works










Actually, this is my favorite part of the chickenSmile with tongue out
















Redneck solutions      

  REDNECK Door Bell


Redneck Yard  Swing


~~~~~~~~ A Redneck  passed away and left his entire estate to his  beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till  she’s  14. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Cooler




How do  you know when you’re staying in a Redneck  motel? When  you call the front desk and say, ” I gotta leak in  my sink, and the clerk replies ……”Go  ahead.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Cellar


Redneck   Garden


Actually, when we made Aliyah, we rented an apartment that used old bathroom fixtures as planters in the front of the building, we thought it was rather cute and “rustic”Surprised smile


Did  you hear that they have raised the minimum  drinking age for Rednecks  to 32 ??? It seems they want to keep  alcohol out of the high  schools.

Redneck  Limo



How do  you know when you’re staying in a Redneck  motel? When  you call the front desk and say, ” I gotta leak in  my sink, and the clerk replies ……”Go  ahead.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Mailbox


Redneck  Time Out


Two  reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck  murder: 1) The  DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental  records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who  invented the toothbrush? A  Redneck!! (If it  had been invented by anyone else, it would have  been a teeth brush)

Did  you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery  ? The  winner gets $3.00 a year for a million  years.

Redneck  Weenie Roast


Redneck Wheelchair



Redneck Thanksgiving (if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck) DDT.hpjppa1lcipy67cm82j7i9bdb

A  new Redneck law was just recently  passed When a  couple gets divorced, they are STILL  cousins.

A State  Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and  says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D. ? ‘ .  . and  the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’

Page 4 of 5

Did  you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion  burned down? ‘Yep..  Prit’near took out the whole trailer park.. The  library was a total loss too. Both books went  poof . . . up in flames and the Governor  hadn’t even finished coloring one of  them..’

A Redneck Christmas Sleigh….


That’s all folks! I KNOW YER GOING TO SEND IT ON  !!

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