26 October 2011

Expert Opinion

mideast experts,  : Dry Bones cartoon.

This is one of the cartoons I posted before leaving for China on a speaking tour sponsored by SIGNAL (the Sino Israel Global Network Academic Leadership). I’ll be the keynote speaker at the inaugural event of the first-ever Israel Studies Program in the history of China …and am appearing at a number of other universities and think tanks.

I plan to return home to Israel on or about November 1st.

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous black woman who stopped in one Saturday and
asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter, can I get you anything?”

Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the train. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for – why should you pay extra.”

The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”.

“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?”

The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.

A little suspicious, the conductor asked “Would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?”

The black lady became very indignant and snapped, “Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”

Lexophile (i.e., “lovers of words” you know . . . . like . . .. you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish . . . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . . then it hit me . . .etc.). Well, here are some for you to enjoy . . .

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
If you don’t pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : . . . the LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was .. . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it’s your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

Ya gotta love it!

image
“Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?”

“No, governor. This is Yom Kippur.”
“Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?”

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …

“Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”

Does any of this sound familiar? I’m going to go find my glasses!

Bus Art

DDT.abio9jlrk9iiartev4q4tkqmb

DDT.kxc1lihb8rwtqn05en8p5jky

DDT.3vdge2m00bapzqu58wzouwp1

DDT.kzr14r44kznu8j9_euy5x4g1b

DDT.xru14hjktzln9911le3lfqcae

 

DDT.scwdvohdgxghnx_hg0lzqf57e

Unbelievable Signs

 

DDT.xr12_d2idtfbjwyyxitcbjhnh

DDT.agawppdf4pgtlzebi8xofiyub

DDT.jxz6znnk_7p_hjp8ojjro30hd

– Top 20 Oxymorons
20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Small Crowd
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head But
t8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Hard Water
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

ENGLISH THE GLOBAL LANGUAGE

DDT.jhaexai_9vqwq0kbozobcwmje

DDT.ut8r_b7qqsxycmbnyae7khse

DDT.vq1j1vxcvk7kcwpfvos6r7kvg

DDT.s9h9niwmt9bs4x3x2vefpc2rf

DDT.jdu7urtoy7ev7zsdb67__3yug

DDT.2vr3b_kqhpwgbhwl_6ghvhjhe

DDT.kkdug0om5gh4ei32muvons58

DDT.5a4ocm8l1cwgbbhqg9_0e9sld

Actually, this is my favorite part of the chickenSmile with tongue out

DDT.um0visnd4d3glxsx9v22s7kqe

DDT.s_kj7ahcso04q6hrzi2dxn_qd

DDT.3g6rvxu5hdsc4iidq5w60bg8c

DDT.ibxijrsc17yql7ktw0umlwhzd

DDT.x4ejmu1nlemtvwjhco7a_5dub

DDT.arwmv__cby7ofxmwqkf1rlu1f

DDT.hcrls6bvm0ympe7iwxaswgeab

DDT.47uj7xwzgbmw_91hhdclaonqb

DDT.h24tixmadsx2fswgexwoah7

DDT.3twk2xelvz1xp6k3p_9f0yeih

DDT.1ccq2yonpam70is_dgfdckihh

DDT.rk7iiuau2abs7icdlaqeojcxh

 

DDT.a8n1dyqqzbz_e4ol0a889vxig

 

Redneck solutions      

  REDNECK Door Bell

image

Redneck Yard  Swing

DDT.wowc5s49vfdutf15g3kaht1hg

~~~~~~~~ A Redneck  passed away and left his entire estate to his  beloved widow . . . but she can’t touch it ’till  she’s  14. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Cooler

 

DDT.hcbsglp9ddvzxgcpyigi_25yd

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do  you know when you’re staying in a Redneck  motel? When  you call the front desk and say, ” I gotta leak in  my sink, and the clerk replies ……”Go  ahead.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Cellar

DDT.7vheorp4cqu92_ey__i8xszzh

Redneck   Garden

DDT.s46p8f7c29cg5bmkjhnp6jebh

Actually, when we made Aliyah, we rented an apartment that used old bathroom fixtures as planters in the front of the building, we thought it was rather cute and “rustic”Surprised smile

 

Did  you hear that they have raised the minimum  drinking age for Rednecks  to 32 ??? It seems they want to keep  alcohol out of the high  schools.

Redneck  Limo

image

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do  you know when you’re staying in a Redneck  motel? When  you call the front desk and say, ” I gotta leak in  my sink, and the clerk replies ……”Go  ahead.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck  Mailbox

DDT.zlrteh11sr33idc1nhdteq94d

Redneck  Time Out

DDT.ym9gtedhc41l7vfpelnet9z4e

Two  reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck  murder: 1) The  DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental  records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who  invented the toothbrush? A  Redneck!! (If it  had been invented by anyone else, it would have  been a teeth brush)

Did  you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery  ? The  winner gets $3.00 a year for a million  years.

Redneck  Weenie Roast

DDT.kjxx6jesj6kqiarbre_ktau9

Redneck Wheelchair

DDT.nb40o7tl_q6d1o6gomzri40bh

 

Redneck Thanksgiving (if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck) DDT.hpjppa1lcipy67cm82j7i9bdb

A  new Redneck law was just recently  passed When a  couple gets divorced, they are STILL  cousins.

A State  Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and  says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D. ? ‘ .  . and  the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’

Page 4 of 5

Did  you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion  burned down? ‘Yep..  Prit’near took out the whole trailer park.. The  library was a total loss too. Both books went  poof . . . up in flames and the Governor  hadn’t even finished coloring one of  them..’

A Redneck Christmas Sleigh….

DDT.igk21t3ze6_m0_4o_as5trh_hDDT.p9y9o_mvme5zohovm60xhnvgc

That’s all folks! I KNOW YER GOING TO SEND IT ON  !!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s