21 August 2011

 

 

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People —
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
· When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to men who have a sense of humor and who will enjoy reading it..


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ……
And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs !

‘Why, that’s Amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ….
‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From the hunger, you mean ?’ asked the doctor.

‘No, from the @#$%^’ Skippin’ !


It would be a great gesture if a lot of Jews joined Glen Beck in Jerusalem…

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/146724

He is a true friend of Israel and a true friend of the Jewish people. He has stuck his neck out for us. Time to show some “Hakarat HaTov’.

Please let everyone you know know that he lost his job on Fox to a large extent because of the “Jews”. We owe it to him to reward him for his loyalty. He is truly a Righteous Gentile.

Please forward to all friends in Israel.

Thanks!


Both funny and true………..

Subject: THINGS A JEWISH MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY!

“Just live with him…you don’t have to marry him.. I don’t need any
grandchildren”

“Be good and for your birthday I’ll buy you a motorcycle!”

“How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?”

“Don’t bother wearing a jacket — it’s quite warm out.”

“Let me smell that shirt — yeah, it’s good for another week.”

“I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.”

“Yeah, I used to skip school, too.”

“Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house more cheery.”

“Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?”

“Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!”

“Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know.” 

“I don’t have a tissue with me — just use your sleeve.”

“Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for
me.”

“Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?”

“My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You kids don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?”

“I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew.”

“If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it’s fine with me.”

“Mother’s day, Shmother’s Day you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.”

“You don’t have to call me every week I know how busy you are.”

“You are so lucky to have your in-laws”

“Your wife knows best -forget about the advice I gave you” —

I Spy

Technology, mobile phones, privacy, Spying, iphone   : Dry Bones cartoon.
The latest from “Wireless Federation:

Apple found guilty of collecting location data from iPhones, fined (South Korea)

“The telecom regulator of South Korea stated that Apple stands to be fined a token $2,852 for collecting iPhone users’ location data, on the wrong side of the law.

Apple was also ordered by the Korea Communications Commission (KCC) to right certain inappropriate practices; more so because Apple continued to collect data despite iPhone users disabling the location based service in their handsets.

According to Steve Park, Apple’s spokesman in Korea, Apple does not track locations of iPhone users, and they have never done so while they have no plan to do so in the future.

Even Google was ordered to take better precautions in protecting users’ data after the commission found that it did not encrypt users’ location data temporarily saved on smartphones although, the internet giant was not fined by the commission.”

-Dry Bones- Israel’s Political Comic Strip Since 1973

Another Tack- Red flags in Tel Aviv (II) –Mapai memories

This is very poignant

Weekly Review: August 20, 2011
Dear Friend of Jerusalem,
Here are the latest headlines from the One Jerusalem Blog:

Israel’s More Dangerous World: In sharp contrast to some famous foreign policy pundits who have celebrated what they perceived to be democratic movements in the Arab world, a majority of American Jewish voters believe the so-called Arab Spring is a dangerous development. (For results of… (read more)

Palestinian Terrorist Leader Taken Out By Israel: Hours after terror attacks inside Israel took 7 innocent lives, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered his security forces to respond, and they did in spectacular fashion. The leader of the terrorist network is dead. This beast was involved in the abduction of… (read more)

Terrorists Attack Israel: Israel has been the target of at least 3 terrorist attacks in the south of the country. It appears that at least 7 Israelis have been killed. There are many analysts who are concluding that the attacks are the result of Egypt allowing… (read more)

You Can Help End the Administration’s Persecution of Jerusalem: Dear Defender of Israel,One Jerusalem has reported on the current legal controversy over the identification of Jerusalem in US Passports. The United States State Department refuses to acknowledge Jerusalem as being situated in Israel. We refuse to accept this outrageous… (read more)

Democrat Senator Threatens Israel’s Security: Senator Patrick Leahy, has taken hostility to Israel to new levels. Leahy is a senior member of the Senate. He is promoting legislation that would cut off aid to three of Israel’s most elite commando units. Reportedly, he is doing this to… (read more)

Two Unspeakable Truths About Abbas’ Strategy: A few days ago, the “leader” of the Palestinian Authority emphatically clarified his goal is to declare a Palestinian State cleansed of Jews. The Democrat Congressmen who heard this from Abbas’ mouth were taken aback. And, equally important, is Abbas’ insistence that he is… (read more)

Sincerely, The One Jerusalem Team

Close to Home

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