19 June 2011

Two astronauts land on Mars.
Their assignment: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the box of matches,” says one. “Either it burns and there is
oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a
Martian appears waving all his arms…
“No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown
explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match… and… A crowd of hysterical Martians is
coming, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”
One of the astronauts says, “This looks serious. What are they afraid of?
Nonetheless, we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”
So he strikes a match — which flames up, burns down, and….NOTHING
HAPPENS!!
So he turns to the Martians and asks, “Why did you want to prevent us from
striking a match?”
The leader of the Martians says, “It’s Shabbos!”

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This picture is worth a trillion $$
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House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget. (AP)

The guy sitting in the row in front of these two….he’s on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.

These are the folks that couldn’t get the budget out by Oct. 1, and are about to control your health care, cap and trade, and the list goes on and on….
Should we buy them larger screen computers – or – a ticket home, permanently?

This is one of their 3-DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for (salary is about $179,000 per year).

KEEP THIS GOING!
DON’T LET IT STOP WITH YOU!

If the president can demand Israel to go back to 1969 agreement

I am asking the United States congress and president to authorize the following changes

1) The United States return to the original 13 colonies. If approved, most if not all the excess deficit we have will be gone and no longer our responsibilitiy

2) The current president birth place not being a part of the colonies will have to relinquish his office

3) We will not have as many federal employees (congress) and their lobbyists.The result is the government will have a surplus

4) We will not support foreign governments

5) Taxation was not instituted until 1917 due to the first world war. We can say the hell with the others

6) Only the wealthy will have a tax obligation. Only on the top 10 percent of the people. I believe all people are willing to pay something.

7) No free rides (welfare). If you cannot afford to pay for the obligations don’t bitch who takes care of.

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are sometimes not as smart as they think they are. Let them continue to think what they wish and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, you now know why we men believe that women don’t listen and can’t follow directions!!!

Why Parents Drink
http://www.incredimail.com/app/?tag=emoticon_click_me_im2_re&lang=9&version=6284944&setup_id=7&aff_id=100&tID=605824&addon=IncrediMail&upn=b458e4b8-42b8-4cde-baba-6ae7df03ee94&id=95202&guid=121166DF-DDDE-49F8-B423-B8F15D2EBEF8
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy Report card That’s in my desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it’s safe to come home

 

Very bad Puns for today

01. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
02. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
03. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
04. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
05. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
06. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
07 . An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
08 . Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
09 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
10 . I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
11 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
13 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
14 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
15 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally
16 . There was the person who sent puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Father and Daughter – a good lesson in this!

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between conservative and liberal or progressive or neocon I’m all ears.

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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet..
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your f….ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

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