17 May 2011

I do not know where the days go, back into catch-up modeSad smile

Heblish: last evening Ricki and I had dinner with some friends in a local : “Italian” restaurant. One of the menu items was “anti-pasty”. I kid you not.

Muslim doll:

 

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The latest toy has hit the shops… a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says,
because no one has the guts to pull the cord.

Fine Restaurant

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 miscellaneous Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” said the snooty maître d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Jewish Indians

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorwitz.

‘So, nu,’ says the daughter, ‘You’ll never believe.’

‘What?’ says the mama.

Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage.’

‘Yes?’ says the mama, ‘so what did you say?’

‘I said Yes.’

‘You said Yes?’

‘I said Yes.’

‘That’s wonderful,’ says the mama. ‘She said Yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz, Minihorwitz is getting married!’

‘I heard,’ says the papa, ‘I’m kvelling. So who’s the lucky boy?’

‘Sittin’ Bagel.’

‘Sittin’ Bagel?’ says the mama, ‘of the SoSiouxMe tribe?’

‘That’s the one,’ says Minihorowitz.

‘Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe’s! There are so many of them! How can we feed them ? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?’

‘We ‘ll think of something,’ says Geronowitz.

‘Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!’ says the mama.

‘What, at this hour?’

‘No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!’

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home – Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed..

Geronowitz! I’ve been worried sick. Where have you been? And where’s my buffalo?!’

‘It’s like this,’ he says. ‘On my first day out, I hunted high and low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

‘The second day, I looked high and low, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life ‘This’, I thought to myself, ‘is not the buffalo for MY daughter’s wedding. So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

‘The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and low, going up hills und down hills, suddenly, there it was! A magnificent buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. I t was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. This, I says to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz’s wedding.

‘So I reach into! my backpack quietly for my tomahawk and, as I tiptoe over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo’s neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it.’

‘See what?’ says Pocayenta.

‘I’ve brought the milchedik tomahawk!’

Bin Laden’s One Mistake
by Shmuel Sackett
International Director, Manhigut Yehudit
One thing made Osama bin Laden public enemy #1.
One thing made him a target for America’s hit squad.
One thing – and only one thing – made his assassination justified and praised by world leaders.
He didn’t just kill Jews.
Had he limited his terrorism to Jews only, he would not have been targeted.
The same world leaders, who today take great pride in his death, would have celebrated his life.
He would not have been killed by President Obama, he would have dined with him.
He would have been invited to the United Nations.
He would have been a featured speaker on the world speaking tour.
He would have won the Nobel peace prize.
Think I’m crazy?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the President of Iran. His resume includes a lot more than just politics. It has been proven that he personally ordered the attacks against the Jewish community of Argentina where hundreds of Jews were killed. He has stated – time and again – that he wants to destroy Israel. He wants to kill the 6,000,000 Jews (interesting number) who live there and he is feverishly working to build a bomb that will do just that.
Has he been targeted?
Is this animal on any one’s “hit list”?
Actually, just the opposite is true.
He recently spoke in the UN.
He was a guest speaker in Columbia University.
Why? Because he is only interested in killing Jews.
Khaled Mashaal is the leader of Hamas.
Hamas is the sworn enemy of Israel.
It has killed over 1,500 Jews in the last 10 years.
It has fired over 5,000 missiles into Israel, aiming for Jewish homes and hoping to kill Jewish children.
Has he been targeted?
Is this beast on any one’s “hit list”?
Actually, just the opposite is true.
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently invited Mashaal to Moscow.
Former USA President Jimmy Carter has embraced Mashaal and considers him a partner for peace.
Why? Because he is only interested in killing Jews.
Yassir Arafat was the founder and leader of the PLO.
He has more innocent blood on his hands than Osama bin Laden.
Yet, this murderer was invited numerous times to dine with President Bill and First Lady Hillary Clinton in the White House.
He spoke in the UN.
He was accepted around the world as a leader and spoke in over 30 countries.
He won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Why? Because he was only interested in killing Jews.
Although I can go on, I will give just one final example: Adolph Hitler.
The world knew about concentration camps as early as 1933.
The world knew about Kristellnacht back in November of 1938.
Yet, the entire world called this monster; Herr Hitler.
They gave him respect.
They recognized him as a leader.
All that changed when Hitler invaded Poland on September 1, 1939.
From that point on he became an enemy.
Why? Because until that day he was interested in killing Jews only…
Osama bin Laden violated the golden rule: In addition to killing just Jews, he also killed non-Jews. That is why he was targeted and for no other reason!
The message to Jews – and the State of Israel – is very clear.
Learn to defend yourself.
Learn to take revenge yourself.
The world will not help you with Iran or Hamas.
Ahmadinejad and Mashaal will not make the same mistake as Bin Laden and will continue to be accepted and embraced by the world.
Understand this, accept this and deal with this.
“We have no one on which to rely, other than our Father in Heaven”.
May today’s Jewish leaders – and the brave warriors of the IDF – engrave this on their hearts.
And may they – very soon – do to these terrorists exactly what was done to Bin Laden.

BIN LADEN’S HEADSTONE

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DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever…. so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all time favorite –

35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

New book release

It’s called, “Understanding Women”

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Shampoo alert!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so “full-figured”!
Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap. It says right on the label “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”
It pays to read the warning labels my friends!

 

Pact or Fiction The recent rapprochement between Fatah and Hamas may be a blessing. It exposes the fatal flaw at the heart of the peace process: the West’s fantasy of Palestinian moderation. More

BY Lee Smith

Traditional Jewish Food: A Defense Some of us are actually okay with who we are and what we eat

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