Cinco de Mayo 2011(5 May 20119

A little known piece of nautical history. Most
people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise
was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of
call for the great ship after New York City. The people
of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were
very upset at the news of the sinking. So much that they
declared a national day of mourning which they still
observe today.It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.

One for the good guysThumbs upAnti-Israel Billboards Nixed in Seattle Seattle Mideast Awareness Campaign fails in bid to run billboards promoting Israel-hate website.

The Human Spirit: Top 63+1 reasons I love Israel 04/29/2011 16:19 By BARBARA SOFER The top sixty-three-plus-one new reasons I love Israel, in no particular order.

Musing on Bin Laden. I will not belabor the issue, there has been enough kaka on TV, the web, the newspapers, etc. I will merely state that had Israel flown into a sovereign state, with or without permission, performed a target assasination or execution, of an unarmed man, whether or not he was deemed to be an enemy of the State, she would have already been condemned by the world press, EU, “Quartet”, UN (aka Unnecessary Nobodies), Hillary Clinton and who knows who else. Enough said.

Continuing 8May 2011(where does the time go?)

Independence Day Links and Videos In honor of Israel’s 63rd Independence Day this coming Tuesday, Jacob Richman has compiled large lists of Israel sites and videos.

Dedicated to my granddaughters Sara and Batsheva

In the second paragraph of this restaurant review, note where the Israeli wines come fromSmileA touch of class For those seeking a fine kosher dining experience, Angelica in Jerusalem more than fills the bill.

Baruch Dayan Emet Israel to honor its 22,867 fallen Monday צילום: AFP With 183 Israelis killed in line of duty or terror attacks over past year, country’s bereaved families now include 2,543 orphans, 4,999 widows and 10,819 bereaved parents

Beit Hanassi goes global for Independence Day A significant segment of the celebrations taking place at Beit Hanassi on Tuesday morning will be webcast from 9:30 a.m. to 11 a.m. Israel time.

Ron Nachman: Arabs Occupied – by PA The Palestinian Authority is the only entity that could truly be termed an “occupier” in the land of Israel, argues Ron Nachman, Mayor of Ariel.

Arabs in Jerusalem Attack Woman, Press Yawns A rock ambush is caught on camera but the press is unimpressed. Arabs hurl fire bombs at Border Police.

NY Hassidic paper ‘deletes’ Clinton from iconic photo  Brooklyn newspaper altered photograph of Obama and staffers watching raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound to remove all females.

Da’yanu revisited and updated (ok, so it’s a bit lateSad smile)

US-Israel Ties: A Two Way Street Mutually-Beneficial Relationship

Yoram Ettinger, “Second Thought: A US-Israel Initiative”

Passover Hymn, Da’ye’nu:

“How many degrees of beneficence hath the Almighty conferred upon us?! If He had brought us forth from Egypt, and had not executed judgment upon the Egyptians, it would have sufficed (Da’ye’nu)… If He had inflicted justice upon them…, it would have sufficed (Da’ye’nu’)…”

If Israel were merely the most effective battle-tested laboratory available to the USA, the source for over 600 modifications of the F-16, and thousands of cutting-edge modifications in hundreds additional US military systems, enhancing US national security, while providing the US defense industries a unique mega-billion dollars competitive edge in the global market, expanding US employment, research & development and export infrastructures – Da’ye’nu (it would have sufficed to crown Israel as a unique two-way-street ally of the USA);
If Israel were merely the source of breakthrough battle tactics, which were the first to penetrate/jam/destroy the most sophisticated Soviet/Russian surface-to-air missile batteries and radar systems, in addition to transferring to the US the first Soviet MIG-21 and 23 and other Soviet military systems, which tilted global balance of power in favor of the USA, providing the US defense industries with mega-billion dollars bonanza – Da’ye’nu;

If Israel were merely the source of intelligence – shared with the USA – which exceeds the scope of intelligence received by the US from all NATO countries combined (according to Senator Daniel Inouye, former Chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and current Chairman of the full Appropriations Committee) and is equal to five CIAs (according to retired General George Keegan, former Chief of US Air Force Intelligence) – Da’ye’nu;

If Israel were merely the country which destroyed Iraq’s nuclear reactor in 1981 (in defiance of global opposition), thus providing the USA a conventional option in the 1991 Gulf War, sparing the US a potential traumatic nuclear confrontation – Da’ye’nu;

If Israel were merely a source of battle-proven experience and military systems – combating IEDs, car bombs, suicide bombers and generic terrorism – shared with US Special Operations units, which battle Islamic terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan, thus minimizing US losses – Da’ye’nu;

If – as stated by the late General Alexander Haig, former Supreme Commander of NATO and former Secretary of State -Israel were merely the largest American aircraft carrier which does not require a single American personnel, which cannot be sunk, which is the most battle-tested and cost-effective, and located in a region, which is critical to vital US economic and national security interests – Da’ye’nu;

If there would not be an Israel in the eastern flank of the Mediterranean, and the US would have to deploy to the region real aircraft carriers with tens of thousands of American servicemen, costing the US taxpayers $20BN annually and possibly dragging the US into local and regional conflicts – all of which has been spared by the existence and capabilities of the Jewish State – Da’ye’nu;

If there would not be havoc in Arab lands, highlighting the Jewish State as the only stable, reliable, credible, capable, predictable, democratic and non-conditional ally of the USA – Da’ye’nu;

If Israel were not the place where- according to Warren Buffett – hundreds of major American companies and investors shop for innovative ideas, which they transform into technologies, products and manufacturing lines, benefitting both American and Israeli employment, trade, research & development and exports – Da’ye’nu;

If Israel were not the source of hundreds of revolutionary medical device, healthcare, telecommunications, Internet, laptops, cellular and social networking technologies/products.- enhancing quality of life in the US and throughout the globe – Da’ye’nu;

If US-Israel covenant were not uniquely based on shared values (dating back to the Pilgrims and the US Founding Fathers), joint interests and mutual threats – Da’ye’nu (It would have sufficed to crown Israel as a unique two-way-street ally of the USA).

Subject: Qualifications to be President

This just might make your day a little brighter!! You, who worry about
Democrats versus Republicans – relax, here is our real problem.
In one of my classes the other day, we were discussing the qualifications
to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The
candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but many
jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
“What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country
than one born by C-section?”
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
They breed and they walk Among US.

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s
office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what
he had…
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test,
an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently
in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
’em??’

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID…. THAT’S WHY I HAD
TO SEND THIS TO YOU….THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET

WINE TASTER WANTED

A “Drunk” Taster Applied

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent
need of looking for a replacement.
 
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, “It’s red wine, a
muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.
“It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak
barrels.”

“Correct.”

A third glass.
”It’s champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
 
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father!”
 
 THIS WISDOM IS VALUABLE !
 
 To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… And those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service!

 

Funny and Reflective as well !
ÔêÞÕàÔ ÔÕáèÔ âÜ-ÙÓÙ ÔéÕÜ×. çèÙæÔ
subject: An Israeli is on vacation (A Joke)
An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Israeli replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The Israeli replies, “I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.’

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


ISRAELI ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to Israel these days.
 

How the internet was born

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here’s the “TRUE” story …

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her – as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: “How, dear?”

And Dot replied: “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted – for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied: “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

 

Should I really join Facebook? (priceless)

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!! Also for those who know people like us.

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

P.S.I know some of you are not over 50 – 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are

 

American-airlines-now-charging-fees-to-nonpassengers

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, ‘Old Timers Bar – ALL Drinks 10 cents’. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis…shaken, not stirred…. and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix,” the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime…wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.”

“Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,” says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “Oh, they’re all retired farts from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.”



A frog goes into a bank and

approaches the teller. He

can see from her nameplate

that her name is Patricia

Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get

a $30,000 loan to take a

holiday.”


Patty looks at the frog in

disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is

Kermit Jagger, his dad is

Mick Jagger, and that it’s

okay, he knows the bank

manager.

Patty explains that he will

need to secure the loan with

some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have

this,” and produces a tiny

porcelain elephant, about an

inch tall, bright pink and

perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains

that she’ll have to consult

with the bank manager and

disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and

says, “There’s a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who

claims to know you and wants

to borrow $30,000, and he

wants to use this as

collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink

elephant. “I mean, what in

the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back

at her and says.


“It’s a knickknack, Patty

Whack. Give the frog a loan,

His old man’s a Rolling

Stone.”


(You’re singing it, aren’t you?

Yeah, I know you are..)


Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I

know you did.

JEWISH JEOPARDY:

We give the answer. You give the question.

A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called…”E- MOIL .”

Bonus question:
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A. A bris kit! (Oy Vey!)

My son, Joel, was recently interviewed on an internet radio program regarding making Alyah, it can be found here after listening to the intro, go to 1:09:45

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared “Jewish English,” now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language.

 Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in
 the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and
 a significant attribute of American culture.
 
 According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at
 Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the
 sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and
 eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
 
 Professor Shulman explains,
 “In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually
 another question with a complaint that is either implied
 or stated.
 
 Thus ‘How are you?’ may be answered, ‘How should I be,
 with my bad feet?’ “
 
 Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic
 vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An
 example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or
 “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains, shmountains.
 Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?”
 
 Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject
 of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at
 the beginning: “It’s beautiful, that dress.”
 
 Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb
 moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the
 response to a remark such as “He’s slow as a
 turtle,” could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a
 fly in Vaseline he walks.”
 
 Shulman provided the following examples from
 his best-selling textbook, Switched-On
 Hebronics:
 
 Question: “What time is it?”
 English answer: “Sorry, I don’t know.”
 Hebronic response: “What am I, a clock?”
 
 Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.”
 English answer: “Thanks.”
 Hebronic response: “I should be so lucky!”
 
 Remark: “Hurry up. Dinner’s ready.”
 English answer: “Be right there.”
 Hebronic response: “Alright already, I’m coming.
 What’s with the ‘hurry’ business?”
 
 Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; I wear it
 all the time.”
 English answer: “Glad you like it.”
 Hebronic response: “So what’s the matter; you
 don’t like the other ties I gave you?”
 
 Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.”
 English answer: “Congratulations!”
 Hebronic response: “She could stand to lose a
 few pounds.”
 
 Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?”
 English answer: “Just say when.”
 Hebronic response: “Riding, shmiding! Do I look
 like a cowboy?”
 
 To the guest of honour at a birthday party:
 English answer: “Happy birthday.”
 Hebronic response: “A year smarter you should become.”
 
 Remark: “It’s a beautiful day.”
 English answer: “Sure is.”
 Hebronic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
 
 Answering a phone call from a son:
 English answer: “It’s been a while since you called.”
 Hebronic response: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead already?”

 

Israel’s population hits 7.7 million on 63rd birthday In time for its 63rd Independence Day, statistics show that Israel’s population has grown 2 percent since last year; 75 percent are Jews.

At 20:00 (8.00 pm) the sirens sounded starting the national day of mourning. I remember, as a child, on November 11 at 11.00 am sirens sounded for Armistice Day,m now Veterans Day, all activity stopped for a minute of silence. I vaguely remember a similar happening on May 31, Memorial Day. It is a pity that these days have lost their original meaning.

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