18 January 2011

Israel : By the Israeli humorist, Efraim Kishon (Kishont Ferenc):
Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies, but the people’s headaches are caused by the neighbors upstairs.
Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local market.
Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.
Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archaeological artifacts. 
Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in the country take buses.
Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.
Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.
Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.
Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.
Israel is the only country in the world where “small talk” consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.
Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.
Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and admires the United States .
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.
Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.
Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.
Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attaché case a “James Bond” and the “@” sign is called a “strudel”.
Israel is the only country in the world where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.

Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue (ed. note British IRS). The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

 


Dear Mr. Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”.    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”.    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat” has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers”  might indicate that your decision to  “file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies”  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding charity”.    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  “go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”,  a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party”  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles”  and  “dancing whores”  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  “that box-ticking facade of a university system.”

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don’t simply write  “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  “sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give”  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India”  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely, 
H J Lee 
Customer Relations 
Inland Revenue

 

:
A Golf Story
Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing..
Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What in the world is taking so long?’
‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Sam explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’
His companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here ..’
 
 
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy 
women who are interested 
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through 
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. 
When you’re done, you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? 
Where can
  it  be  found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to  Egypt  “
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
 
 

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